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Showing Up in Uncertainty

Posted on June 19, 2020 | Leave a comment

I remember a Harvard Business School professor of mine sharing a story with us one day before class started. “It matters that you show up.” He said. His friend had lost a loved one. My professor went to the house, not really believing that he should be there. In spite of his reservations, he simply showed up. His presence proved to be deeply meaningful to his friend and the family.

This action – showing up – is a great illustration of what is required in this moment of uncertainty and social unrest. You. Can you be you in all your splendor and incompleteness?  Are you showing up?

 

Photo by Koshu Kunii on Unsplash

My professor’s story popped into my mind last night as I was hosting Dishing on Disruption, a weekly interactive ‘transition-inspired’ online event. A participant shared that she was hesitant in this moment, not knowing what to say to friends who inhabited different racial and ethnic spheres than the one she occupied.

Are you ever hesitant to be you?

Transition says a lot about this. It is a process that asks us to show up. To engage more and more of who we are in what we choose to do. While that sounds simple on the page, it is challenging to execute.

Here’s why: When we enter adulthood, we rely on external influences to set our definitions and expectations for who we are.  Our families, our communities, our religious affiliations, the schools we attend, our occupation, and so much more coalesce to form these external influences.  Together they erect a wall between you and their expectations and definitions for you.

Transition invites us to disassemble that wall piece-by-piece.  It is a process. A woman whom I interviewed recently for my 2nd book described the process as, “chaotic, lonely, surprising and adventurous.”  She went on to describe how transition expressed itself for her,  “It gave me the ability to see myself. Prior to this all happening, the me I saw was other people’s perception of me. What I got to see in all of this was a very different me. It helped me ask the tough questions; ‘What do I want to do? What do I want to be?’ and really listen to my answer for the first time in my life.”

Once upon a time, showing up meant getting out of the car at work and heading through the front door into the office. The mechanics of our days have changed, but our need to show up remains unchallenged.

Are you ready to show up?

My work on transition has given me a steadfast belief: if we are to emerge better from this moment as individuals and as a nation, we all need to show up.

It isn’t easy to show up in this fashion but it is enormously valuable to do so. When I first realized that I needed to show up in a different way, I was overwhelmed by a hard truth. It had been so long since I asked myself a question about what it might mean for me to show up, the answer was not obvious. It took perseverance and possibility to guide me forward as I looked for an answer. The search has turned into a journey of a lifetime; one that expands who I am to include an author, advocate, and advisor who is staunchly rooted in social justice issues.  The journey continues to unfold and to give me great gifts. The greatest one, perhaps, is my connection to myself which in turn allows me to connect with you.

I wish for you the courage to ask yourself questions about how you show up. I also hope that you carry something special in your heart. You see, I firmly believe that the answer to our unrest and to ensuring a brilliant future for Black Americans is present with us now.

All you have to do is show up.

Linda R.  (linda@WomenAndTransition.com)

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If you have another moment, check out my new website here. It offers a one-stop shop for resources on transition for you, your family members or friends who are in or considering transition. Let me know what you think!

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Copyright © 2020 Linda Rossetti & NovoFemina.com. All rights reserved. No content on this site may be reused in any fashion without written permission from NovoFemina.com.

 

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Suspending Expectations

Posted on April 25, 2020 | Leave a comment

I laughed out loud the other day as I read the NY Times article, Giving In to Letting Go.  The piece was all silliness about ditching beauty routines given that we are all sequestered in our living rooms. High heels, make-up, manicures, hair dye, underwear, accessorizing, and blow dryers…all took it on the chin. There was an important message threaded amidst all this casting off. What do we do when expectations – in whatever form – are suspended?

Photo by Alysa Bajenaru on Unsplash

The article tried to answer that question. There was one woman who couldn’t let go entirely.  She quipped, ‘I still wear my lipstick!’  Another reveled in the freedom away from straightening irons and beauty parlor chairs.  Still another shared that her beauty regime was how she enacted her blackness, a fundamental piece of her identity.

The identity reference was strong. It was like a punch in the nose. What about expectations and who they allow us to be?

Expectations stand at the core of transitioning. A transition starts when we choose to decouple from expectations set for us by others. By families, by communities, by professions, by lovers, by friends. It is a courageous act that isn’t so much a leap but a pivot. We turn away only to turn up the volume on what is uniquely our own. Our own voice. Our own truth. In transitioning, we don’t eschew all that has been. We learn to feather it into our new direction, one fueled by all that we are capable of becoming.  Those who love us cheer at this pivot, many others stand bewildered.

Transition isn’t easy. It includes loss or sadness or grief.  Something. After all, in it we step away from things that held us in place.  We may begin by bending the boundaries of what we always thought was acceptable – like not wearing lipstick or skipping the SPF 50 moisturizer. These early steps may lead to bigger ones. We may reconsider what it means to be successful. What it means to love, or be loved.

You might ask, ‘Who in their right mind would take on all of this?’

That answer is easy.

Those who go there recognize transition’s unparalleled gifts. The gifts start appearing right from the get go. There are improvements in our well-being and positivity; there are contributions to our longevity, there are newly reset thoughts about success.  From my perch, the most extraordinary gift of all is capacity. Transition builds in us the capacity to grow into our fullest self. For this alone, I view it as an essential process in life.  One too few explore.  Transition gives us the currency to see what is in there with us and to celebrate! (Hopi Elder).

See if you can find a moment in the days ahead to recognize how it feels to suspend an expectation.  Is there one part of your life – like a beauty routine – that it emanates from? Wonder what that is telling you.

This pandemic – for all its loss and hardship and devastation – is unknowingly offering us a glimpse at something important. Thanks to it, we can dip our toe into the waters of suspending expectations.

May health, safety and security blanket you and all those around you. And, may you gain confidence from your ability to recognize who is in there with you…and celebrate.

Stay safe and well.   Linda R. (linda@WomenAndTransition.com)

Copyright © 2020 Linda Rossetti & NovoFemina.com. All rights reserved. No content on this site may be reused in any fashion without written permission from NovoFemina.com.

 

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Welcoming Enough

Posted on March 24, 2020 | Leave a comment

Do you have enough?  In my house, this question is playing on a non-stop loop. Enough paper towel? Enough soup? Enough frozen vegetables? Enough pasta? With two teenagers, a four-year-old-puppy named Apollo, and a husband who is an electrical engineer with prepper tendencies, you can imagine how often we’ve discussed enough.

It took me a while to realize that the safety in enough – that my husband continues to seek in the Costco check out line – will never be available there. The lens of transition helped me find it in a different place.  One that may surprise you….

Hopeful signs of spring

First, a little background

Transition has not given me the answer to ‘enough.’ It has, however, taught me a very simple truth; we are all here to grow. Growth is like motherhood and apple pie. Of course, we grow.

But growth is trickier than it appears. True growth, the kind that can deliver exponential value in our lives, requires a willingness to partake. In a word, it requires choice.

When we enter adulthood – at 18 or 22 or later  – we establish our expectations and definition for ourselves based upon inputs that are external to us. Our families. Our religious affiliations. The communities where we live. Where we go to school.  What we choose to do for work or for play. Together these constitute our personal eco-system, a space within which construct who we are.

Social norms encourage us to celebrate this space once we arrive. We are feted. There are accolades.

Life invites us to grow beyond this space – an  invitation that compels us to leave the comfort zone where we’ve come to know ourselves.

When we accept this invitation, we detach from the confines of our earlier identity and replace it with a set of self-defined beliefs.  We renew our expectations and definition for who we are.

It is a shift. A transition. One that is enlivening and expansive and freeing.  Best selling author Julie Cameron described this shift by saying, “We become more able to articulate our own boundaries, dreams and authentic goals. Our personal flexibility increases and our malleability to the whims of others decreases. We experience a heightened sense of autonomy and possibility.”

Our growth – the growth we experience when we shift away from the initial assumptions about who we are – is transformational. Through it we choose to let others see us. All of us. In the fullness of who we are.

Sounds awesome, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t everyone grow?

Sadly, society conditions us to misread invitations to grow, a misperception that can leave unclaimed the incredible potential that resides in each of us.

How does this relate to Enough?

I believe this crisis is letting us glimpse in many individuals the gifts of transformational growth. These gifts are woven throughout our response – in reaching out a helping hand to a neighbor or connecting with a long-silenced friend by phone. Our response seems to be drawing on who we are in new ways.  There is new connection and gratitude and creativity and other traits we often leave hidden in the normal course.

Maybe the unintended consequence of this crisis will be realized in our desire to not defer these essential qualities any longer. If we choose growth, real transformational growth, the gifts available to us and those around us are many and unparalleled, like joy and peace and freedom and hope. Said Cameron of the value of growth,  “the process leads us to acquire and eventually acknowledge our connection to an inner power that has the ability to transform our outer world.”

In the uncertain days ahead, I hope that you recognize that there may be enormous gifts unclaimed by you.  They lie in your willingness to live by the fullness of who you are.

Trust it. Cultivate it. Explore it. Embrace it. It alone can provide true ballast in uncertain times.

May you and yours be safe and well throughout this crisis. May you be reminded of the incredible gifts that you alone possess and that the world cannot live without. Maybe now is the time to recognize that your potential is saying a simple word, enough.

 

Please take one more minute to read my note below about those on the front lines of our crisis. I hope you join me in sending them our thoughts and prayers as we make our way forward together.

Warmest wishes,                                                                                                                Linda R.  (linda@WomenAndTransition.com and @LindaARossetti)

 

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Thank you to all of the incredible folks on the front lines of this crisis – our healthcare providers, first responders, in-home care providers, store clerks and many others. A special shout out to my brother-in-law, Henry, who is coordinating the COVID-19 response at Elmhurst, one of New York City’s largest public hospitals located in Queens, NY. I am inspired by Henry’s and his staff’s incredible dedication and selflessness as they care for everyone, including the most vulnerable, with dignity and respect.  Henry, you set an incredible standard! May love and good will surround you and those for whom you care.

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Copyright © 2020 Linda Rossetti & NovoFemina.com. All rights reserved. No content on this site may be reused in any fashion without written permission from NovoFemina.com.

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Three On-ramps to Choice

Posted on February 9, 2020 | Leave a comment

One thing is certain amidst the chaos in Washington and across the planet: you will need to choose sometime in this New Year, New Decade.  Transition has taught me the importance of making choices within a broader context. If we only focus on choosing between A and B, we can easily get distracted by choices that seem great but actually leave too much of our potential untapped. As I write that sentence, I hear in my mind the sock puppet from early pets.com commercials shouting, ‘the horror!’  The most important choices we can make have to do with our willingness to grow. Transition is the process we rely on to grow. Through it we gain access to unparalleled gifts.  They don’t come in a heart shaped box or wrapped in cellophane and ribbon. They are joy and peace and enlivenment and love.  How many of these words will describe your year, your decade?

First Encounter Beach, Eastham, MA

Last week I facilitated a discussion with an inspiring group of adult cancer survivors. Each had battled and won. Few knew that one of their battles wasn’t  over.  Choice. It was a fresh assault. One they would face all on their own.

Three voices have stayed with me long after our conversation about choice and transition and growth:

Gail couldn’t see choice.

She was agitated and intent on ‘getting herself back.’ Reaching with all her might to re-assemble, re-establish herself  ‘bc,’ before cancer. In her victory, she was learning to live with very real constraints, including unwelcome physical and cognitive side-effects from her treatment. Even though her constraints served as impediments to any immediate choices, Gail listened carefully as I reframed her options within the context of transition and growth. It was new for her to hear that the end wasn’t only regaining her physical functioning but that it was tied to her willingness to align her life with those things that held value and meaning to her.

Thomas wondered about choice.

He was a little farther down the post-recovery path than Gail. He had restored some physical functions that still hung in question for her. He was incredibly grateful for the new independence he had achieved. With that puff of wind in his sails, he had the space to be more thoughtful. He said, “I think about my life now like I am re-arranging my pantry shelves. I take a can and look at it. Do I want to put it back? Does it deserve space?”  Thomas went on, “I was always taught that pink was for girls and blue was for boys. Now I am thinking, ‘Is it?’ Does it have to be?”  His choices progressed to a new beginning; starting to question old assumptions, wondering how to factor them into his walk forward.

Alex was a believer in choice.

She was almost a decade into her recovery. She told us a powerful story that connected with everyone in the room. She said simply, “I transitioned.” After cancer gripped her, she was unable to continue working as a nurse. The physical demands of the job were too much. “I was angry and scared and felt forced into something new.” she said. “I took a turn I would never have considered, social work. Today, I barely connect to the me before my role as a social worker in adolescent health. It completes me. I am so thankful.”

Our discussion reminded me of something important: our readiness to choose is separate and apart from our need to understand transition. So many disruptions in life deposit us at an opportunity to choose. Some are life altering, like-surviving cancer, others are less so. All serve as invitations to grow. Those who choose transition, re-examine assumptions about ‘who we are’ and ‘how we make meaning in the world.’ We re-evaluate the cans we allow on our pantry shelves. The process serves as a ferry, it carries us safely through the requirements of growth. Growth can be costly. It takes courage and belief in ourselves.

I have learned one solid truth over the eight years I’ve worked in this field. Growth is the only way  – truly – to walk forward.  Is that a direction you are ready to choose?

Thank you for your kind words and continued support of my work. I hope that the New Year / New Decade is off to a wonderful start for you.  Since I missed the New Year’s holiday, here is a greeting for today – Valentine’s Day. It is taken from a poem entitled SONG that I recently discovered by the beat poet, Allen Ginsberg.

“The final wish is love.”

Linda Rossetti (linda@WomenAndTransition.com)

 

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If you have a few minutes more, here are a few Valentine’s posts from the Novofemina archive:

Valentine’s Day and Transition: a common link

Creativity’s Role in Transition

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Copyright © 2020 Linda Rossetti & NovoFemina.com. All rights reserved. No content on this site may be reused in any fashion without written permission from NovoFemina.com.

 

 

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The Power of Our Responses

Posted on December 19, 2019 | Leave a comment

How do you respond in the normal course? Are you empathetic? Resourceful? Singularly-focused? Kind? I’ve been stuck on this topic for weeks, ever since I heard a piece on NPR that talked about the impact of a single person’s response.  The story offered a rare glimpse into something we do effortlessly – instinctively – everyday. We respond. Transition has taught me something very important about responding. Through its lens, I now recognize that we choose how we respond in every moment, in every situation. Taken together, our responses represent an opportunity to telegraph to the world the fullness of who we are. How do you choose to respond?

A little light for the season!

The piece that started all this was NPR’s coverage of Plague, a podcast that explores the Catholic Church’s role in the AIDS epidemic. One of the earliest episodes features a story about Karen Helfenstein, a Sister of Charity nun in New York City in the 1980s.

In an important moment, Sister Karen responded. Genuinely. Differently. Expansively.

Her simple choice changed a community and its very history.

Sister Karen served as VP of Mission for St Vincent’s Hospital, a Greenwich Village institution that cared for the sick and dying throughout the early decades of the AIDS crisis.  Early on ACT UP, an advocacy group, staged a protest in the Emergency Department (ED) of the hospital. The protesters were furious over what they believed to be the hospital’s poor treatment of those suffering and of those who loved them. The protest got a little out of hand. Somewhere along the way protestors defaced a statue of Jesus Christ by affixing condoms to it.

Law enforcement was called. The protest turned ugly.

The act of affixing condoms on Christ was a flashpoint for both sides. To the gay community, the act symbolized their outrage over the Catholic Church’s stance against the distribution of condoms even though condoms were widely recognized as an important tool in preventing the spread of AIDS.  On the other side, few could envision a more egregious act than to deface the embodiment of Christ, let alone with condoms.

Sister Karen was charged with responding to the event on behalf of the hospital.

Many around her wanted the hospital to press charges against the protestors. These voices were incensed. Indignant.

It all hung on her response.

Instead of feeding off the crowd’s fury, she responded differently. Sister Karen invited community members – who at the time were ostracized by many in society – to talk with her about what happened and, more importantly, why it happened.

She held their hands as they described their pain. She listened as they talked about their fear and disbelief tied to a demon that was ravaging their community. Patients and their lovers drew parallels for Sister Karen between these feelings and how it felt as they walked through the doors of St Vincent’s to seek care.

Sister Karen’s – different, genuine, expansive – response started St Vincent’s on a path that years later established it as the standard-of-care for treating AIDS patients and their families.

Instead of anchoring on an image of a defaced Christ, Sister Karen’s response helped St Vincent’s create another new image: one that held the hand of the sick;  staged an infinite variety of birthday parties and last meals; and even created a new annual Holiday tradition, a visit from Drag Santa.

St. Vincent’s is gone now. Bull-dozed to make way for the neighborhood’s progress. But the response of Sister Karen lives on in the hearts and minds of those whom St Vincent’s touched.

The choices we have in front of us daily may not seem so highly-charged. But make no mistake, they all can be as influential. Our responses matter. Our willingness to bring who we are to the choice of how to respond has an unimaginable power.

This season I encourage you to bring your awareness to how you respond and to recognize the innumerable choices you face everyday related to responding. Without such reflection, we all risk leaving untapped the enormous potential that is resident within each of us.

I wish for you and those you love great peace and moments of joy this Holiday Season. Thank you for walking next to me as I continue to explore transition and as I embrace its invaluable gifts.

Warmest wishes for a safe and happy Holiday Season,

Linda R.

linda@WomenAndTransition.com

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If you have a few minutes more, here are a few holiday posts from the Novofemina archive:

Choices and Teddy Bears, December 20, 2017

Leading with Gratitude, December 21, 2011

A Gift for You This Holiday Season, December 12, 2013

Simple Gifts…, December 24, 2015

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Copyright © 2019 Linda Rossetti & NovoFemina.com. All rights reserved. No content on this site may be reused in any fashion without written permission from NovoFemina.com.

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Seeing You

Posted on November 21, 2019 | Leave a comment

Who sees you? You. Your essence. Your truth. I was reminded of being seen’s power during a recent exchange with my daughter.  She was introduced to being seen – only to have it taken away from her. Abruptly. Unexpectedly. The before and after contrast made me think about our last blog, A New Twist on Being Seen, and our willingness to let others see us.  Tell me, does anyone see you? Continue reading →

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A new twist on being seen

Posted on September 13, 2019 | 5 comments

What does it mean to you to be seen? At first glance, ‘being seen’ might make you think about your presence or absence at something important. Were you at the right meeting? The right party? The right moment? What you recognize as ‘being seen’ will differ from what I recognize. That said, I am not sure this type of ‘being seen’ really captures it. What if ‘being seen’ is being acknowledged or affirmed for who you really are? Or even better. What if being seen is really about our willingness to be seen? Not the person you are supposed to be at work or at home or at the PTA meeting….You. Your essence. Your truth. How visible are you? Are you willing to be seen?

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Making Choices Matter

Posted on August 10, 2019 | 4 comments

Choice is such a whopper of a topic. Isn’t it? How would you describe your relationship with choice? Do you err on the side of safety or throw caution to the wind? I’ve been thinking a lot about choices this summer thanks to a chance conversation. It happened when I was talking with an adult daughter of a friend at a lawn party earlier in June. She was excited about an upcoming move to LA and the start of a new job at a large law firm there. She had been in the public defender’s office in Dallas for a few years and was ready for a change. I was so curious about her decision.  That’s when she said something powerful about choice that sent me reeling…. Continue reading →

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Reaching

Posted on July 11, 2019 | Leave a comment

“It is unrealistic.” said my son to his long-time pediatrician. She was asking him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He’s fourteen. She reminded him that at last year’s physical he said, “I want to be a professional basketball player.”  I like her because she stops to ask him these questions. In spite of the cloying requirements of insurers that beg her to quickly move on, she lingers. Listens. Before saying anything more, he looked at me as if to say, ‘Should I tell her?’ Then he added calmly… 

Ring of Kerry, Ireland

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My struggle with kindness

Posted on May 17, 2019 | 2 comments

Do you practice kindness?  I know it sounds pretty odd but this whole kindness business is getting under my skin.  The reason is really simple. I’ve witnessed time and again an unintended consequence of kindness that I find damaging, particularly to women. Let me explain. Have you ever caught yourself resorting to kindness when you would rather rage at something or someone?  Don’t get me wrong. I’m not arguing for reckless confrontation. But this conflict – the intersection of kindness and authenticity – has me wondering.  Is kindness becoming a new modern day requirement, another expectation that is layered upon us like a cloak gently silencing our voices? Continue reading →

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